Thursday, February 6, 2014

Benedict Arnold: Hero, Traitor, Delicious

So, your favorite guest writer here again, will a super fabulous Eggs Benedict recipe! Yes, all my recipes involve breakfast foods. 

Now, you, like me, may have gone to many restaurants and breakfast diners in the past, ordered some poached eggs on top of some breadstuff and meatstuff, gotten it drizzled in some yellowey-orangestuff and stuffed your face. However, in your post meal torpor you may have wondered if there was a better way, a purer way to achieve this metaphysical state.

There isn't.

Haha, just kidding. 

I have made Eggs Benedict for Lacy and I twice in the past two weeks, and with a few refinements I believe it is ready for mass consumption. Since Gulag™ brand Eggs Benedict are still a few years off, this one's free. Put it on Uncle Aaron's tab.

So, first off, go buy a skillet/egg poacher. I have never managed to poach an egg properly the traditional way, and if you are able to do that, then why are you wasting your time reading my dribble, you fantastic specimen of culinary acumen? Go on, get out of here. Spread your poached wings and be free!

Are they gone? Thank goodness. Now keep up.

So, now that you have a piece of tech that will make the end product just as delicious and n->infinity times easier, put a bit of butter in each small convex area. Fill the skillet with water. Put the heat on low to melt the butter.

Soak a rasher of bacon in warm water for long enough to finish your current Markov process. Throw it on a pan on medium heat (I mean place. Don't throw your food, you animal).

Put half a stick of melted butter, two egg yolks, 3 shakes of hot sauce, some salt and about two metric tablespoons of lemon juice in a blender.

Don't blend. Yet.

Add eggs to the poacher, turn up to medium-low heat.

Put some bagels in the toaster.

Flip the bacon.


Don't burn the bacon! I said medium, not high heat! You think I'm writing this for fun? Lacy has a gun to my head. She says, "BE FUNNY. NO SWEARING. OH LET'S TAKE SOME MORE PICTURES. DANCE MONKEY, DANCE!" Well, I'm dancing, I'm dancing.

Now that everything is cooked, top the bagel halves with bacon, egg and the blended sauce. Enjoy.


  1. Why do you soak the bacon?

    1. Hello Dr. Sanger, we find that it helps the bacon cook more evenly. Before we soaked it, we ended up with a lot of burned bacon. So it's just a little trick we use to ensure we have tasty bacon :)