Goodbye, California

View from the Santa Barbara Courthouse Clock Tower

Lately, my life has been determined by the question: “Will I move this item across the country?” and I find myself saying “Of course not!” far more than I expected. I have not blogged in a while because I have been focused on the myriad details of a cross country move that creeps closer and closer. Connecticut was one of the last places I ever thought I would call home, and now I will be moving there in four days.

I have been trying to sift through the excitement and fear that I feel, because I want to open my heart to allow this move be a beautiful adventure. At the same time, I have to be able to say goodbye to California. I am trying to let myself feel without drowning in my feelings. For I would be remiss if I did not mourn a place that I love, a place that has been my home for my entire life.

Santa Barbara as seen from Montecito Peak

Last Tuesday I let myself mourn specifically the loss of Santa Barbara, and wrote one of the last entries in my now finished journal saying goodbye to little places throughout Santa Barbara that have been important to me, places as varied as the mission, Montecito peak, the Biltmore hot tub, Santa Claus Lane, and of course, Lilly's Tacos. These places will no longer make up my day to day scenery. I won't be able to tell someone, “Oh, don't take State Street. Just shoot down Anacapa or De La Vina.” I won't know the way to the University of Connecticut. I won't know where to buy groceries or gas. The closest Trader Joe's is about a half hour away. And will there truly be any good Mexican food?

Soon I will know the answers to all these questions. I may even learn how to drive in the snow. Maybe in a month, maybe two, I will have a new job. Of course there are a lot of questions, but they won't always be questions. The answers will come with time.

A hike in the fog. I have come to really love the fog.

It is important to me in this process that I give up worrying. Worries do not solve anything. My biggest worry has been finding a job that won't force me to commute long distances through the snow every day. However, if I waste these days worrying about a job, I won't enjoy the temporary time when I am unemployed. If I worry, finding a job won't be as satisfying as if I let myself enjoy the reinvention of my life that comes with the search for a new job. Worry steals the joy from the process. Details to be solved and problems to be overcome are going to happen anyway, so why not enjoy them? Why not grow from them, and learn from them? I am only going to hold myself back if I worry.

Guess who's feeling nostalgic. Yes, it's another picture of Santa Barbara.

As of now, I have filled five medium-sized plastic containers, one large plastic container, a hockey bag, and a large box that we will be shipping via Greyhound on Monday. Another hockey bag will probably be going along too. We have shipped out a few boxes of books already. We have donated so much and still three bags wait by the door. I have a container of odds and ends for my sister, a bag of food for our friends, and the trunk of the Ghettomobile is full of camping stuff that will go home with my parents (I am not moving propane tanks across the country, sorry people). I have been shocked by how much stuff Aaron and I have, stuff we didn't even realize we had, like Aaron's twin sheets from college and a surprise bottle of stress reliever shower gel.

I know there will be a lot more to process and I want to record the growth that we go through as we move. So perhaps the next post will be from the JFK airport in New York, during our overnight layover. All a part of the process.